Who's Not Watching The Watchmen?

I've made a real effort not to blog about the upcoming film adaptation of Watchmen which, besides being my favorite comic ever, is arguably the greatest comic ever written. The story of the Watchmen movie is almost a saga unto itself. Most recently, there was a well-publicized legal battle between Fox and Warner Bros., which almost delayed the scheduled release date of March before ending in a settlement. Lots of people I know are thrilled to death about the movie and they assume that I must be thrilled as well. Eventually, I admit to them that I am not at all looking forward to the movie, that I think it was a terrible idea to make it, and that it will very likely be awful.


"But you love that book, Sean! How can you not be excited about seeing that story up on the big screen?"

I'll leave aside the story of DC Comics/Time-Warner screwing Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons out of the rights to the Watchmen property and look at this from a purely artistic standpoint:

First off, what makes the book so important is that it demonstrates what comics can do that film or prose cannot; the plot and characters--as engaging and multi-faceted as they are--often take a backseat to a narrative structure that is breathtaking in scope and that few other comics have ever approached, over two decades later. Divorcing the story from the medium for which it was specifically designed completely misses the point. Another bone of contention is the film's director, Zack Snyder. This untalented douchebag was also responsible for the adaptation of Frank Miller's jingoistic piece of (gorgeously painted) shit 300, where he decided to augment the racism and homophobia of the original work with CGI ninjas and video game monsters. I wouldn't trust this guy to make a competent beer commercial, never mind the movie version of something as complex as Watchmen. My initial reaction to the selection of Snyder to helm the movie has only been augmented by the reported alterations he has made to the original ending of the comic.

Finally, the inevitable pre-release marketing blitz, which has produced tons of collectible detritus that nerds everywhere have been salivating over for years (Action Figures! Replica Grappling Guns! Silk Spectre's Garters!) now includes such stellar items as these adult-sized Halloween costumes, soon to be gracing the clearance bins at a Wal-Mart or Target near you:




I know Nite-Owl is supposed to be pudgy and ridiculous-looking, but this is going a bit too far. And the less said about The Comedian and Rorschach, the better. Hopefully, Taco Bell's "Minutemen Milanesas" Value Meal will contain something cool, like a bonus DVD: